If it's Monday, This Must be Koralius
by Kryten
Summary: After graduating from Mars U, Amy takes her place on the PE crew... but her first mission could be her last. Told from Amy's POV. My only prose story, so PLEASE review!


Futurama created by Matt Groening and David X 

Futurama created by Matt Groening and David X. Cohen

Note: This is probably the ONLY prose fic I've ever done. I'm more comfortable with the script format.

IF IT'S MONDAY, THIS MUST BE KORALIUS

So we're sitting in the waiting room in the afterlife, and Bender says, "Hey, nice work gettin' us all killed, skintube."  


"Don't listen to him, Amy," Leela interjects, "it's not your fault that you're completely incompetent."

"Yeah," Fry added. "So what if your total lack of experience led to the destruction of the ship? It's not like we expected any better from you."

All I could get out was a weak "Stop, please..."

"Face it, you was never gonna be anything more than a cheap tramp, an' a good target for moochin'"

"But hey, we didn't think any less of you for being so stupid."

"Stop it... just stop..."

Leela raised her voice. "A toast to the idiot who caused our death! And what's better for a toast...

"...than an ice cold LoBrau!!"

And the waiting room exploded into a party scene with loud music and dancing and....

********************

I woke up.

Mistake number one. Immediately, I felt something slam into my head. I started waving around my hands trying to fend off what was hitting me, but soon realized there was no point to it, since the pounding was taking place entirely within my head.

"Lights", I mumbled. Mistake number two. The lights came on at full power, making an already unbearable headache worse. I commanded the lights to dim fifty percent. Much better. 

Now, onto the important stuff: figuring out where I was and how I got here. 

Once my eyes adjusted to the light, the first question was answered. I was back in my old bedroom at the ranch. The others must've dropped me off after... what? The previous day was still a haze. Something big had happened...

The underside of my wrist still itched a little where the diploma chip had been implanted... Diploma chip! That was it! Yesterday was graduation day! I'm officially an engineer now!

The wave of excitement brought a fresh wave of pain with it. I decided that before I tried to piece the rest of the day together, I'd better take care of my headache.

Luckily, this wasn't my first hangover. Four years of being completely irresponsible had taught me that it was a good idea to keep a bottle of HangBgon in my night-table. Two pills later, the pounding faded to a dull thus, then a light throbbing. Finally, it was gone altogether. 

Now that I could think again, I turned my attention to what had happened yesterday. There was the commencement cermony. Morbo had been the guest speaker. He'd declared us "the finest class of vermin this school has ever produced", and exhorted us to "submit gracefully as my people conquer your miserable planet". Definitely one of the funniest speeches I'd ever heard.

Afterwards, I went out with my friends from Planet Express to celebrate. Dinner at Jonnz's (home of the truly legendary Oreo cream pie), then we headed to this nightclub in Bova City. Bender got me a drink...and that's pretty much it for my memory. 

I hope I didn't do anything too embarrassing...

********************

The clock said it was 4:30 AM, MST, but there was no way I was going to get back to sleep. Too keyed up, by the dream, and by just general excitement about tomorrow. And too much packing to do.

I hadn't been surprised when Hermes offered me a permanent position as PE's resident engineer. As a recent grad, I was perfect choice for someone who didn't want to pay for someone top-of-the-line. Plus, the Professor likes having a good souce of platelets around. 

I thought about it for nearly all of the time it took me to say, "Great, when do I start?" With my parents' connections, I could've probably gotten a job anywhere, but there really wasn't any other place I wanted to work. I liked my coworkers (yeah, even Bender), and there was the chance I'd get to go on more deliveries.

I had just gotten around to packing my tennis trophies when Mom and Dad came to see me off. I braced for the usual argument. "Instead of running off to Earth to work for that crazy scientist, why don't you stay here and marry some loser and bear us grandchildren?", they'd say, and I'd argue that "I'm only 22, I've got like eighty years to have kids", and we'd start yelling at each other in Martian, and I'd run from the room screaming.

Instead, I wound up with hugs, kisses, and "Good luck, Amy. Make us proud."

Damn it. They had to ruin it by being reasonable. "Who are you, and what have you done with my parents?"

The guy claiming to be Dad said "Those annoying people? They're tied up in the basement."

I giggled. "So, is this a permanent replacement?"

"For now. Slip up and we'll start meddling again."

"I'll have to just make sure not to slip up."

"Actually, we were hoping you would."

"We like meddling."

********************

Lots more hugs and kisses later, my car was packed, and I was off.

As I was passing Deimos, I started thinking about my dream again. Whenever I reviewed a dream, I always wondered why I never noticed that it was a dream during the dream... did that make sense? What I mean is, even before the commercial kicks you out of the dream, there are always signs that something is off. 

For one thing, Leela had three eyes in my dream, instead of the usual one. And Bender had been golden instead of silver. And Fry had been some sort of giant duck. Litlle things, really. 

But the main thing was, my friends would never be that cruel. Okay, Bender would, but Fry and Leela wouldn't. 

So, was it me? Deep down, was that what I thought? That I was a complete fraud? That I had absolutely nothing to offer except a nice rack? Had I gotten nothing out of four years of college except a good comeback for when people told me "Well, you're not exactly a rocket scientist..."  


No, it was probably just nerves. I'd never been the greatest student, but by the end I'd managed to get my GPA up to a respectable 2.9. I also had over two years of solid experience as an intern at PE under my waistband, and I hadn't had any serious screw-ups in that position. 

The more I thought about it, the more excited I started getting. By tomorrow, I'd officially be an engineer. People would actually ask my professional opinion about things. My PROFESSIONAL opinion! 

So there I was, easing the car into the upper atmosphere. The lights of New New York loomed below. So did my future.

********************

Leela was waiting at my apartment. I'd called ahead, and she offered to help me move in. Really nice of her. We hadn't exactly been the best of friends -- I was always cutting her down verbally -- but I'd apologized to her shortly before graduation. 

There really wasn't much to unpack. A few personal items, some more of my clothes. And, of course, the trophies. I had a case for them in the living room. 

"You won Wimbledon?"

"I was the first heterosexual woman to win in three hundred years. That's the one I'm the proudest of."

"What about this?" She was holding my silver medal from the '96 games at Antares.

"I choked in the final round. Blew the gold. That was pretty much the last time I played. I don't like to talk about it."

She dropped it. Pretty soon, we had everything unpacked.

"Now that we're done, I have to know: What happened last night at the bar?"  


"You don't remeber a thing, do you?"

"I remember that Bender got me a rum and Slurm. That's all."

"Oh, god... You drank that?"

"I guess..."

"That was robot-grade rum. It's eight times more potent than regular rum."

"Oh, god... I didn't do anything embarassing, did I?"

"Well..."

"The truth, Leela. I need to know just how badly my dignity was shredded."  


"Do you really want to know?"

"It's driving me crazy. I want to hear it from you, and not from Bender."

"Well, for starters, you completely butchered "Love is a Battlefield."

"Oh, that's not too bad..."

"It wasn't a karaoke bar."

"Oh, god..."

"Then you made a pass at Zoidberg."

"Ohhh, god...."

"Then there was your 'conga line of one'."

"Ohhhhhhhh, god..."

"Thankfully, you finally passed out after that. We managed to sneak you back into your house after that. Good thing, too, I don't think I would've wanted to explain things to your parents."

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh, god..."

"I'm done. You can stop the 'ohhhhh gods' now."

"That's it. I've lost everyone's respect forever."

"You had the equivalent of eight drinks in one shot. I'm impressed that you kept from throwing up. And it's not like Fry and Bender are the cream of society."

"Yeah, but I'll have to work with them every day now. And I'll probably never be able to face Zoidberg again."

"No problem there. I convinced him you were in throes of the Martian mating frenzy. As for Fry and Bender... well, Fry probably already forgot, and if Bender steps out of line, he'll have to answer to me."

"Thanks. I... whoa. I can't believe how tired I am. When did I get in last night?"

"3:00 AM, Mars time."

"1 1/2 hours of sleep in the last two days. No wonder I'm exhausted. I think I'll stay in tonight."

"Good idea. Last night was enough of a 'night out' to last a week. Remember..."

"Right, 8:00 AM sharp."

********************

After a good night's sleep (no nightmares trying to sell me beer this time), I was ready to tackle my first day. 

Armed with my entrance fee (seven bottles of Wong Valley mango brandy), I entered the employee lounge.

Bender was in his usual position (slumped on the couch watching TV). "Hey, Amy," he said. "Don't think I'm gonna go outta my way t'make ya welcome, r'anythin'. Far as I'm concerned, yer just another lump'a carbon, an' I got no use fer carbon. 'Cept in diamond form."

"I brought something alcoholic."

"Hey, everybody! Amy's back! Amy's back! Okay, gimme the booze."

He grabbed one of the bottles, and drained it in about three seconds. "Hmmm... adequate." Then he drank the other six.

"Bender, those were supposed to be for everyone... never mind. So, what are you watching?"

"'Earth's Drunkest Home Videos'. Wait, here comes my entry!"

"Your entry? I didn't know you were entering... Gahhh!!"

If there was a hole in that couch, I would have crawled right in and died. There, right on the screen, were Saturday night's post-graduation festivities, captured live on film for the viewing pleasure of the entire galaxy. I was worried, until I spotted...

"Oooh, here's the part where ya put th'moves on Squidface..."

"I can't beleive you'd do this to me Bender. No, wait... I can. It's just the sort of nasty thing you'd pull. Well, let me tell YOU something... I now know what every single piece of circuitry in your body does. And I know which ones hurt."

"Uhhh... am I boned?"

"You are SO boned. See, part of my job description is keeping YOU in working order. I am now your primary health care provider. So tell me, do you want a happy doctor or a nasty doctor?

"I'd prefer a happy doctor... although on certain occasions..."

"So you're gonna destroy that disc."

"Ya knew?"

"I saw the blinking light on the VDR."

I heard applause from the doorway. Leela had been watching. "You handled that one well. I guess you're not nearly as gullible as before."

"At least not when it involves anything mechanical." I held up an empty brandy bottle. "I brought you some brandy, but... Well, I owe you some brandy."

"It's the thought that counts."

Fry poked his head into the room. "Yo, guys, I think Hermes wants us in the meeting room."

"Why?"

"'Cause he just told me to tell everyone that he wants us in the meeting room."  
********************

Zoidberg gave me an odd look as I slid into the seat next to him. "Sorry," I said.

"It is all right, Amy. I, too, know the horrors of the mating frenzy. Did you successfuly find a seal carcass in vhich to lay your eggs?"

"Uh, no. Better luck next time."

"Ah, yes, there'll be plenty of time for carcasses and egg-laying later. In the meantime, we have an important delivery."

The Professor activated the table's holgraphic display unit. "The planet you see before you is called Koralius IV. Its people are divided into two nations, the Ilari and the Jyraxians. The two peoples have been at war for nearly five thousand years."

"What's so important that people would fight over it for five thousand years?" That was Fry talking that time.

"I'm getting to that, damn it! Each nation believes that the other has stolen a sacred artifact."

"The Shield of Quuazzen."

Why was everyone looking at me like that?

Oh, right. Because I'm the one who said that last line. Hey, I was surprised, too.

"Perhaps YOU would like to conduct this briefing? I mean, it's not as if I'm knowledgeable about anything, I'm only a brilliant scientist with an IQ of 375. That's it, I'm done. Go ahead! Tell us all about the Shield of Quuazzen!"

"Okay." Lucky for me my minor was Galactic History.

"The Shield was supposed to have been forged by a legendary Koralian hero named Quuazzen, who managed to unite the warring tribes of Koralius into a single planetary alliance. The Shield was originally forged as a symbol of the eternal unity of the Koralian people. But when Quuazzen died 800 years later -- the Koralians have REALLY long lifespans -- the Shield was lost. Quuazzen's two sons, Ilar and Jyrax, each accused the other of stealing the Shield, leading to a war that has lasted for five millennia."

"Hmmm. I was certain you wouldn't know anything and was expecting to have a good laugh at your embarrassment. Oh well, I'm sure I'll have other opportunities.

"Now then, in fact, the Shield has actually been on Earth the whole time. It was recently discovered in the sub-basement of a DSV in ForbidDenver. We have been dispatched to return the Shield to Koralius, thus fulfilling an ancient prophecy. Hah! You didn't know there was an ancient prophecy involved, did you!"

"In the Book of Shaar'Q, the prophet foretells that when the Shield is returned, the Koralian people will finally be united, leading to a new age of peace and prosperity."

"Damn! I was sure I had you that time. Anyway, there are those who don't want to see the war end and will do anything to prevent you from completing your task, up to and including killing you. Have fun!"

********************

Part of my job is to do a routine pre-flight check before every delivery. This way, I can catch potential problems before they become actual problems. It gets a lot harder to fix a hull breach when you have to do it in a bulky space-suit. I hate bulky space-suits. They're so... bulky. 

Everything checked out all right this time, though. No problems here.

"So, I guess I'll see you guys when you get back..."

Leela gave me an odd look. "You mean you're not coming?"

"You mean it? I get to go on this delivery?"

"You get to go on every delivery. You're part of the crew now. Besides, you're our resident Koralius IV expert."

Now THIS is why I took this job. My first day, and I'm travelling halfway accross the galaxy to stop a war.

I think I'm gonna like it here.

********************

We arrived at Koralius IV about twelve hours later. The ship's convenience drive can cover insane distances in almost no time. That's because it doesn't actually move the ship, it moves the universe. 

Yeah, I know. The first thing I said when I figured out how the drive works was "Wait, that can't be right." But think about it for a while, and you'll wonder how anyone could NOT get it. It's the only thing that makes sense. But I digress.

Koralius is a rocky, nearly barren place. It was once pretty lush once, but five thousand years of war tend to wreck natural beauty.

We touched down at the agreed-upon landing point which was exactly the same distance from both factions' capital cities. We were met at the site by the Ilari Primarch Haronis trega-Ilar, and the Jyraxian Primarch Zaar trega-Jyrax. They each had an entourage of at least a dozen people, each of them with some arcane title like Bearer of the Sacred Mantle and Keeper of the Outer Perimeter. With all the time these guys spent introducing themselves, you had to wonder how they managed to find the time to kill each other. Maybe they didn't. Maybe that's why the war's been going on for five thousand years.

While the intoductions dragged on, I took the time to look over our hosts. And I do mean OVER. The Koralians were like life in the Stupid Ages: nasty, brutish, and SHORT. They had rough grayish skin, huge tusks, and bristly hair all over their faces, and the tallest one came up to my shoulder. Basically, not a lot of dating oppotunities on this planet.

The last Koralian to be introduced was also the only one who wasn't a member of either faction: The High Priest, Karidaq trega-Izas (Izas being the name of the Koralian god). He'd been towards the back of the greeting party, but when he came forward to offer his introduction, he stopped short and froze, staring at us as if we were the most incredible thing he had ever seen.

"It is as Shaar'Q said. The four giants from the sky have come bearing the Shield."

********************

"Looks like it's a good thing you came along, Amy. Otherwise we'd be short a giant."

"It's the first time I've been a giant, Fry. I hope I don't screw up."

You're not having trouble keeping track of who's talking, right? Okay, Fry said the first line, then I said the next one, and Leela says the one that comes next.

"Give me the Shield, Bender. And remember, I counted all the jewels."

"Ahhhh, yer no fun no more."  


The Shield was pretty big, considering that such a small guy had used it. It was a rounded pentagon, with a representation of Koral (the sun) in the center. Runes were inscribed along the edges. Between the runes and the sun, there was a ring of twelve multicolored jewels, and a huge red one set in the middle. The whole thing looked like it was forged out of solid Valuabilium. No wonder Leela took anti-Bender precautions.

Leela was now addressing the gathered Koralians. I'd briefed her beforehand on the Koralian love of titles, and had given her some good titles to use for us.

"Honored citizens of this planet, I am Captain Toronga Leela, Chief of the Ship. We come bearing the Shield of Quuazzen."

Fry was next. "I am Philip Fry, Guardian of Cargo. I come bearing the Shield of Quuazzen." Good. He did it perfectly. My turn.

"I am Amy Wong, Keeper of the Engines. I come bearing the Shield of Quuazzen." Whew. Okay Bender, don't mess this up.

"I am Bender. Bite me." AAAARRRRGGHHH!! 

Okay, we can clear this up. If we can run fast enough, we'll make it back to the ship before they tear us to pieces.

Haronis finally broke the awkward silence. "It is so difficult to find good help, is it not?" Then some sort of harsh grunting which I guess is what passes for laughter on Koralius. Thank Oprah these guys have a sense of humor! Such as it was.

The tension finally broken, Leela said, "I really should have warned you about him."

Karidaq said "The prophecies say that one of the giants will be an insolent, theiving drunkard. I believe we know which one he is."

"Hey, I don't gotta lissen t'this. I didn't come here t'have aspersions cast upon my sterlin' character."

"Shut up, Bender. And the others?"

"One is said to have a piercing gaze. One bears a unique mark."

"Hmmm... Well, I can't thing of anyone with a more piercing gaze than you, Leela", I said.

"And your tattoo definitely qualifies as a unique mark, Amy."

"As for the fourth, he is descibed as 'a foolish elder'."

Fry said "Can't help you there."

"He means you, Fry. You're 1027 years old next week."

"Yeah, but foolish? C'mon! When have I ever done anything foolish?"

"Ya wanna see th'list? Cuz it's a long one."

Leela tried to get things back on track.. "So, if we can hand over the Shield now, we'll be on our way..."

Karidaq was having none of that, though. "That must wait until tomorrow morning. In the meantime, you shall be our guests. Quarters shall be prepared for you in the central palace, and tomorrow, the Giving Ceremony shall take place."

"That's... wonderful. I need to talk to my crew in private now."

"As you wish."

********************

"I don't like this at all. If we stay here too long, we not only lose time that we could use for other deliveries, but we expose ourselves to all sorts of danger."

"Aw, you're too paranoid, Leela. These guys seem okay, right, Amy?"

"I'm afraid not, Fry. The Koralians are reknowned for their love of intrigue and assassination. If we stay, we're gonna have to watch our backs every second."

"Oh. Cool! Can we stay, Leela?"

"We don't have much of a choice if we want to complete the delivery. Maybe if we stayed on the ship..."

"That's not a good idea. The Koralians see any refusal of hospitality as an act of war."

"Wonderful. Stay on the ship and we create an interplanetary incident, stay at the palace and they'll be lining up to cut our throats. Remind me to spend my next vacation here. Well, we're going to have to buddy up."

"So... we're gonna be spending time together, huh?"

"Nice try, Fry, but I'll be bunking with Bender tonight, since I'm the only one who can keep him in line. You can room with Amy."

"Awww... I mean, okay."

"Try not to be too dissapointed. I know I'm terrible company."

"Uh, sorry, Amy."

"No it's all right. It's not like we used to DATE or anything." Okay, I was being cruel. But, squaj it, it HURT when he dumped me right before Valentine's day. Sure, I pretended like it barely meant anything to me. He never did find out that I didn't arrange that date with Gary until he was asleep.

Sure, it was never gonna work. It didn't take a rocket scientist (and I AM one, I have the diploma chip to prove it!) to figure out that he had his EYE on someone else. But I really enjoyed being with him, and being tossed aside just when I was getting used to being with one guy, well... I'm over it, mostly. But every so often, it creeps back up.

********************

A chamberlain led us to our rooms, which were decorated in early Middle Ages -- lots of tapestries and wall sconces and junk.. Sometimes, you had to keep reminding yourself that these guys were as technologically advanced as we were. The sconces, for example, looked like they held ordinary torches but actually contained miniature plasma generators.

Fry was trying to figure out whether we were supposed to tip the chamberlain. "I don't have any of the local money. Do you take gum?"

"Certainly not. It is my duty to serve you. In fact, I shall give you something..." A higher voice than normal. These guys didn't still use eunuchs, did they? Eeeeeeyew.  


He reached into his pocket...

"Fry, watch out!"

Out of reflex, Fry ducked, and the knife blade just missed him. I lunged for the chamberlain's knees, knocking his legs out from under him. He dropped the knife. I grabbed it, pinned him, held the knife to his throat. "Who sent you?" It seemed like the right thing to say. Unfortunately, the chamberlain refused to answer. 

"Wow, that was really cool," Fry said. "When did you learn how to do that?"

"That was pure luck. I doubt I could pull it off again."

"Well, whatever it was, it saved my life. I'm sorry I acted dissappointed about rooming with you."

"Forget it. We're cool."

Leela poked her head in the door. "Assassination attempt, huh? We had one, too. I came by to check on you, but it looks like I had no reason to worry. Did your guy talk, or did he give the silent treatment like our guy?"

"He didn't, and he probably won't. Koralian assassins would sooner kill themselves than betray their masters."

"Y'know, that's REALLY inconsiderate of them. Okay, I'm officially not gonna get any sleep tonight. Did anyone bring a deck of cards?"

"Uh, I'm kinda busy with my hostage here. What happened to your guy?"

"I threw him out a window. We're on the second floor, so he probably survived."

"Please, don't throw me out the window!" the assassin whined.

"Oh, so now you're talking to us. Maybe you'd like to tell us what we want to know?"

"Karidaq! He sent us to kill you!"

I was shocked. "The priest? What would he gain by prolonging the war?"

Leela said "Who knows? Maybe he's planning to make some sort of power grab? Or maybe someone else is trying to frame him. The political situation here is so convoluted, it could be just about anything."

The assassin whimpered. "Can I go now?"

"Fine," Leela said. "But I'd better not see you anywhere near here."

I let him go, and he ran off, never once looking back. "Y'know," I said, "I don't think he was a very good assassin. And I'm keeping this knife."

Fry said, "Maybe they got him from a temp agency?"

"Well, I think that... damn. I left Bender by himself."

"You're worried about him?"

"No, I'm worried about all the valuables in this palace. We'd better go check on him."

********************

Bender was trying to steal one of those running carpets -- you know the kind, they're about three feet wide and five hundred long -- when we found him.

"Bender, what did I tell you?"

"But Leela, ya gotta understand, it was just sittin' there, sayin' "Bender! I'm valuable! Steal me!"

"Amy, remind me how they punish thieves on this planet?"

"Can openers. Rusty ones."

"Yer makin' that up."

"Hey, are YOU an expert on this culture? Can you say for sure that I'm lying?"

"Fine, all right, but this'll kill my rep, man."

Any hope for a good night's sleep was pretty much gone, so we spent the rest of the night playing poker. Bender, as usual, was creaming us until Leela noticed that he had his own deck hidden in his mouth (I was pretty sure there was no King of Beer, anyway). Aterwards, we showered -- and again, having running hot water in this medieval castle was surprising, but once again I reminded myself that they just ACT primitive -- and tried to make ourselves look presentable for the big Giving Ceremony tomorrow. 

********************

The ceremony was held in the Great Temple of Quuazzen, which had to be one of the most amazing builldings I had ever seen. Majestic columns, intricately carved friezes, richly woven tapestries, gorgeous rugs... this place had everything. My engineering training kicked in, telling me that those columns couldn't possibly support that roof, and that nothing visible was holding those tapestries up. More evidence of the Koralians' advanced technology. In the center of the temple, there was an eternal flame (contolled matter-anti-matter reaction in a magnetic containment field), above which hung a huge block of marble suspended from the ceiling from a single thread, symbolizing the transience of life (the thread was probably made of multiple intertwined filaments of ultranium, known for its tensile strength, and the ceiling was held together by a structural integrity field). 

If Karidaq was surprised to see us alive, he didn't show it. He and seven lower-ranked clerics had joined hands around the eternal flame and were chanting something impressive-sounding. The various nobles were gathered in the gallery. So far, nothing suspicious had happened.

The chanting stopped, and Karidaq spoke.

"People of the Ilari! People of the Jyraxians! The time has come to end this conflict! The visitors from Earth have at long last returned the symbol of our unity! 

"Come forward, Toronga Leela, Philip Fry, Amy Wong, and Bending Unit 22!"

That was our cue. We stepped forward, holding the Shield (all four of us had to hold it, which was pretty awkward, but we manged to get to the altar without falling over ourselves). Then Haronis and Zaar joined us at the altar, and we handed the Shield over to the two of them.

That was it. The ceremony was over. Nothing bad had happened. Everything had gone off without a hitch. 

Should've known it was too good to last. 

This is what they call foreshadowing, people.

********************

As soon as we left the temple (7:00 AM, local time), we found out that things hadn't gone quite as well as planned. The huge, unruly sword-waving mob kinda gave it away.

"Hey, it's our adoring public! They probably want our autographs or a lock of our hair or something," Fry said.

"They ended our glorious war! Kill them!"

"Looks like they're more interested in vital organs."

"Oh. You think this is a 'run for our lives' thing, Leela?"

"Hey, those of us who ain't alive an' don't got organs resent that kinda language, sweat factory."

"Fine. Let's run for our lives or simulations thereof."

And we did. I don't think I ever pushed myself that hard, not even during the '96 games, but having hundreds of hairy, homicidally crazed dwarves waving pointy things is a really good motivator. Having longer legs helped, too.

Luckily, none of them thought of trying to cut off our escape by flanking us, so we managed to make it to the ship in one piece. Leela fired up the engines and took us up, seconds before the screaming crowd arrived, visions of dismemberment dashed to pieces as we lifted up and away.

"I'm surprised that they didn't try shooting at us," Leela said.

I replied, "Koralians think guns are a weakling's weapon. They like their killing up close and personal."

"Well, at least that's the end of it."

"Yeah, I need a drink. It's been almos' three minutes since my last one."

As Leela took us out of the planet's atmosphere, we all agreed that we were glad to finally be out of harm's way.

Of course, we were wrong again.

I'm foreshadowing again.

********************

"Uh, Leela?"

"What is it, Fry?"

"Did you forget anything back on the planet?"

"No."

"So those ships don't want to return anything to us?"

"Ships?"

Five Koralian Warcruisers, to be exact. You had to love their sense of design. Nothing screams "I'm here, I'm in your face, and I'm gonna KILL YOU!" like a Warcruiser.

"Fry! Man the guns!"

"I notice that you said I should MAN the..."

"Just do it! Amy! Get our shields up and keep them up. Bender! Continue drinking!"

"You got it, Cap!"

"Shields at maximum!"

We took a hit.

"Shields are down!"

"Gnhh. When we get back, I'm gonna have a talk with Hermes about our maintenance budget."

That was the second-to-last hit we took, because all those years of videogame playing have made Fry a pretty good shot. Between his shooting and Leela's piloting, we took out four cruisers before we got hit again. The impact knocked me out of my chair, so I missed Fry taking out the last one. He wouldn't stop talking about that shot for a month afterward.

"We're clear! Let's go home, everyone."

"Uh, Leela? We have a problem."

"What is it?"

"We have an unexploded lepton torpedo right next to the exhaust. If it blows, it'll take the whole ship with it."

"Someone's gonna have to go out there and disarm it. I'll do it."

"No, Leela, I will. This is the kinda thing I was hired to do."

"Amy, if you're trying to prove something, you don't need to. You've already earned your place on this crew. I mean, it's not like it's an exclusive group. We haven't kicked Bender out yet."

"I HAVE to, Leela! If I don't, I'll never know that I can!"

"You're serious about this, aren't you?"

I was already heading for the airlock.

"Good luck. We're all counting on you."

"I know."  


Two minutes later, I was out the airlock.

********************

Like I said, I hate spacesuits. They're cramped, and bulky, and hot. But I also hate explosive decompression, so now I'm clumping around in this heavy suit with magnetic boots. It's slow going, but I'm almost at the exhaust. 

There it is. It looks pretty much like all the torpedos I practiced on in class. Long zootball-shaped casing, tail fins... they didn't put much imagination into their design.

The suit's comlink came on. "Do you see it?"

"Yeah, this shouldn't be too dificult. It looks like a they used a standard design, so this should be a piewalk..." I trailed off as I noticed something odd in my visor. "I think I have a problem here, Leela."

"What... is there something wrong with the torpedo?"

"No... it's my spacesuit. The oxygen indicator's dropping faster than it should."

"Uh oh... Fry, did you replace the faulty oxygen tank on the spacesuit like I told you to last week?"

"Funny story about that, Leela. See, I was gonna do it, but there was something really good on TV..."

"FOR A WHOLE WEEK?!!"

"I believe I just said that."

"Oh god... Fry, we'll discuss this later. Amy, how much oxygen do you have now?"

"78%... no, 77%..."

"That's not good... Look, if you want to come back in..."

"No, I can do this."

"I believe you, but I'm not sure you can do it AND get back inside in time."

"Leela, if the torpedo blows, we ALL die. It's like that guy said in that ancient fable: 'The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one.' Hey, that'll look really bitchin' on my tombstone."

"You're not going to die."

"I don't have any intention of dying, but there's a chance I could. I could either curl up in the fetal position and hyperventilate myself to death, or I could joke about it.

"Now, I'm shutting up so I don't use up my oxygen, but I need someone to constantly talk to me. Keep me anchored."

"Okay. Uh... did I ever tell you about the time I..."

"Actually, could you put Bender on? I missed last week's "All My Circuits".

"Fine... nobody ever wants to listen to me..."

********************

"An' then Calculon catches his evil twin brother in bed wit' Monique's evil twin sister..."

I half-listened as I worked. My oxygen level was dropping pretty fast; I was at, like, 53% now.

The casing was off now, and I was looking at the guts of the monster. Paralithium core, seventeen different trigger wires. If I cut the wrong one, the thing would blow and take everyone with it. I had to determine which one was the right one to cut. I started checking each of the wires to see which one was the trigger that was safe to cut.

Suddenly, the warning area on my visor lit up with the message "MAGNETIC BOOT FAILURE" I screamed as my boots disengaged from the hull and I watched the ship pulling away from me as I fell into the endless darkness...

********************

Leela's voice snapped me back to reality. "Are you OK? You were screaming."

I opened my eyes. I was back on the hull, my boots still functioning. My oxygen was at 32%.

"Oh, god, I'm starting to halucinate. Stupid cramped spacesuit, stupid leaky oxygen tank..."

The yellow wire was definitely the way to go. I took out my multitool, set it for "cutting" and touched it to the wire, and watched in horror as whole thing blew up in my face...

********************

Just another halucination. The wire was cut. The torpedo was disarmed. I had done it.

Unfortunately, my oxygen was now at 15% amd still dropping. And I still had to make it back to the airlock.

Slowly (the only way you can move in magnetic boots) I made my way toward the airlock.

"You'll never make it."

"She's doomed, I say."

"Your death is near."

"It's your last day."

Those repulsive little men from the Slurm factory (Grimpa-Limpas?) taunted me as the airlock hatch loomed closer.

9%.

I lumbered on. 

"You're gonna die."

"Your time is done."

"Your life was short."

"But wasn't it fun?"

"Shut UP, you stupid figments of my imagination!"

2%.

I knew I wasn't going to make it.

The universe began to fade. My legs couldn't hold me up anymore. My head swam. I whispered "'Bye, everyone..." as I slipped out of reality...

********************

G'uh. Like I'd be able to write this if I was really dead. Try to act surprised, okay?

********************

"Okay, she'll need 20 cc's of tri-ox."

God sounds a lot like Leela, I thought.

Wait, what does God need with tri-ox?

"She's coming around..."

My eyes opened. A vaguely Leela-shaped blob was standing over me, holding up what was probably her hand. 

"Are you awake? How many fingers am I holding up?"

"...five..."

"Okay, definitely wrong, but your vision'll come back. Now I just reogygenated your blood, so you'll be a little lightheaded for a while."

This struck me as the funniest thing I had ever heard in my life. I giggled involuntarily.

"It's not funny. You nearly died out there."

I giggled again. Leela was really in top form today.

"You were just lucky Bender saved you."

BENDER saved me? That was the funniest thing I ever heard. I totally broke down laughing.

After a few minutes, the tri-ox wore off and I was actually able to put together a few coherent thoughts.

"So... we're not dead?" G'uh. Brilliant opening, Amy.

"No, we're not dead. We'll be home in about an hour. You did it. You saved everyone."

"Where's Bender? I need to thank him."

"Ya already have, Amy, ya already have."

"How much did you charge to my Discover Card?"

"Twelve G's. I bought myself a jet-ski."

"Well, thanks anyway for saving my life."

"Hey, I ain't gonna let my favorite pigeon die, unless it'd benefit me somehow."

How'd he know my childhood nickname was "Pigeon"?

"Is Fry here?"

"Yeah, whatup?"

"When I can see again, I'm gonna kill you."

"Huh?"

"You couldn't spare ONE MINUTE to replace the spreakin' oxygen tank? What the hell is wrong with you?"

"But I didn't know..."

"Oh, you didn't KNOW. That makes me feel SO much better. Hey, I nearly died, but it's okay, because YOU DIDN'T KNOW!"

"I'm sensing hostility here..."

"Hostility? ME? No, what gave you that idea! I LOVE nearly suffocating!

"Okay, I'm sorry, all right? My laziness nearly killed you, and I feel really terrible about it, and if strangling me will make you happy, than go a ahead and do it."

"Mmmm.... no... no, I don't think I'll have to. You sound sorry enough."

"Uh... friends again?"

"Sure," I said. "Friends."

********************

By the time we got back home, I had most of my vision back. I still couldn't focus very well, but at least I knew what I was looking at. Right now, it was a very impatient Hermes.

"It's 'bout time ya got back. Ya got another delivery. We need to get dese Q-Tips to Perot-12 by mornin', so ya better get movin'!"

And so it begins…


End file.
